The Selfish Giant. (finished)

"All day long they played, and in the evening they come to Giant to bid him good-bye.

'But where is your little companion?' he said: 'the boy I put into the tree.' The Giant loved him the best because he had kissed him.

'We don't know,' answered the children; 'he has gone away.'

'You must tell him to be sure and come here tomorrow,' said the Giant. But the children said they did not know where he lived, and had never seen him before; and the Giant felt very sad.

Every afternoon, when school was over, the children came and played with the Giant. But the little boy whom the Giant loved was never seen again. The Giant was very kind to all the children, yet he longed for his first little friend, and often spoke of him. 'How I would like to see him!' he used to say.

Years when over, and the Giant grew very old and feeble. he could not play about anymore, so he sat in a huge armchair, and watched the children at their games, and admired his garden. 'I have many beautiful flowers,' he said; 'but the children are the most beautiful flowers of them all.'

One winter morning he looked out of his window as he was dressing. He did not hate the Winter now, for he knew that it was merely Spring asleep, and that the flowers were resting.

Suddenly he rubbed his eyes in wonder, and looked and looked. It certainly was a marvellous sight. In the farthest corner of the garden was a tree quite covered with lovely white blossoms. Its branches were all golden, and silver fruit hung down from them, and underneath it stood the little boy he had loved.

Downstairs ran the Giant in great joy, and out into the garden. He hastened across the grass, and came near to the child. And when he came quite close his face grew red with anger, and he said, "Who hath dared to wound thee?' For on the palms of the child's hands were the prints of two nails, and the prints of two nails were on the little feet.

'Who hath dared to wound thee?' cried the Giant; 'tell me, that I may take my big sword and slay him.'

'Nay!' answered the child; 'but these are the wounds of Love.'

'Who are thou?' said the Giant, and a strange awe fell on him, and he knelt before the little child.

And the child smile on the Giant, and said to him, You let me play once in your garden, today you shall come with me to my garden, which is Paradise.'

And when the children ran in that afternoon, they found the Giant lying dead under the tree, all covered with white blossoms."

--Oscar Wilde, 1888

The Selfish Giant. (cont.)

"One morning the Giant was lying awake in bed when he heard some lovely music. It sounds so sweet to his ears hat he thought it must be the King's musicians passing by. It was really only a little linnet singing outside his window, but it was so long since he had heard a bird sing in his garden that it seemed to him to be the most beautiful music in the world. Then the Hail stopped dancing over his head, and the North Wind ceased roaring, and a delicious perfume came to him through the open casement. 'I believe the Spring has come at last,' said the Giant; and he jumped out of bed and looked out.

What did he see?

He saw a most wonderful sight. Through a little hole in the wall the children had crept in, and they were sitting in the branches of the trees. In every tree that he could see there was a little child. And the trees were so glad to have the children back again that they had covered themselves with blossoms, and were waving their arms gently above the children's heads. The birds were flying about and twittering with delight, and the flowers were looking up through the green grass and laughing. It was a lovely scene, only in one corner it was still winter. It was the farthest corner of the garden, and in it was standing a little boy. He was so small hat he could not reach up to the branches of the tree, and he was wandering all round it, crying bitterly. The poor tree was still quite covered with frost and snow, and the North Wind was blowing and roaring above it. 'Climb up! little boy,' said the Tree, and it bent its branches down as low as it could; but the boy was too tiny.

And the Giant's heart melted as he looked out. 'How selfish I have been!' he said; 'now I know why the Spring would not come here. I will put that poor little boy on the top of the tree, and then I will knock down the wall, and my garden shall be the children's playground for ever and ever.' He was really very sorry for what he had done.

So he crept downstairs and opened the front door quite softly, and went out into the garden. But when the children saw him they were so frightened that they all ran away, and the garden became winter again. Only the little boy did not run, for his eyes were so full of tears that he did not see the Giant coming. And the Giant stole up behind him and took him gently in his hand, and put him up into the tree. And the tree broke at once into blossom, and the birds came and sang on it, and the little boy stretched out his two arms and flung them round the Giant's neck, and kissed him. And the other children, when they saw that the Giant was not wicked any longer, came running back, and with them came the Spring. 'It is your garden now, little children,' said the Giant, and he took a great axe and knocked down the wall. And when the people were going to the market at twelve o'clock they found the giant playing with the children in the most beautiful garden they had ever seen..."

henri cartier-bresson

i celebrate the day.

¹ In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ²(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³ And everyone went to their own town to register.

⁴ So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶ While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born,⁷ and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

¹³ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

¹⁴ “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

¹⁵ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

¹⁶ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷ When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸ and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹ But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰ The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Luke 2:1-20

**and i, i celebrate the day that you were born to die, so i could one day pray for you to save my life.

The Selfish Giant.

"Every afternoon, as they were coming from school, the children used to go and play in the Giant's garden.

It was a large lovely garden, with soft green grass. Here and there over the grass stood beautiful flowers like stars, and there were twelve peach-trees that in the spring-time broke out into delicate blossoms of pink and pearl, and in the autumn bore rich fruit. The birds sat on the trees and sang so sweetly that the children used to stop their games in order to listen to them. 'How happy we are here!' they cried to each other.

One day the Giant came back. He had been to visit his friend the Cornish ogre, and had stayed with him for seven years. After the seven years were over he had said all that he had to say, for his conversation was limited, and he determined to return to his own castle. When he arrived he saw the children playing in the garden.

'What are you doing there?' he cried in a very gruff voice, and the children ran away.

'My own garden is my own garden,' said the Giant; 'any one can understand that, and I will allow nobody to play in it but myself.' So he built a high wall all round it, and put up a notice-board: TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED.

He was a very selfish Giant.

The poor children had now nowhere to play They tried to play on the road, but the road was very dusty and full of hard stones, and they did not like it. They used to wander round the high wall when their lessons were over, and talk about the beautiful garden inside. 'How happy we were there,' they said to each other.

Then the Spring came, and all over the country there were little blossoms and little birds. Only in the garden of the Selfish Giant it was still winter. The birds did not care to sing in it as there were now children, and he threes forgot to blossom. Once a beautiful flower put its head out from the grass, but when it saw the notice-board it was so sorry for the children that it slipped back into the ground again, and went off to sleep. The only people who were please ed were the Snow and the Frost. "Spring has forgotten this garden,' they cried, 'so we will live here all the year round.' The Frost painted all the trees sliver. Then they invited the North Wind to stay with them, and he came. He was wrapped in furs, and he roared all day about the garden, and blew the chimney-pots down. 'This is a delightful spot,' he said, 'we must ask the Hail on a visit.' So the Hail came. Every day for three hours he rattled on the roof of the castle sill he broke most of the slates, and then he ran round and round he garden as fast as he could go. He was dressed in grey, and he breath was like ice.

'I cannot understand why the Spring is so late in the coming,' said the Selfish Giant, as he sat at the window and looked out at is cold white garden; 'I hope there will be a change in the weather.'

But the Spring never came, nor the Summer. The Autumn gave golden fruit to every garden, but to the Giant's garden she gave none. 'He is too selfish,' she said. So it was always Winter there, and the North Wind, and the Hail, and the Frost and the Snow danced about through the trees..."

thank you, brits.

please.

a glass of wine. maybe a little bit of vodka. just what's needed to loosen up a bit, right? "i love you, chloe." i can't help but sit there and laugh. i wish i could believe you. i really want to. but all you've done is make those words a mere joke. a sick joke, really.

i took a moment this time to look at you. really look at you. it has been so long. too bad i had to sit in a courthouse to even get the chance. i haven't been missing out, though, have i? tired eyes and greying hair. an ugly suit and a bitter misdemeanor. i do love you; there is no doubt in that. but i don't like who you are and what you've become. honestly, i'm pretty sure you know you're like this. and i don't think you like it either.

the thing is, you're not going to change. not until you acknowledge something needs to be fixed. and until you do, you're going to stay like this. maybe 'til the day you die. but i really hope that isn't the case. i'm praying that won't be so. because i really care. i would be lying if i said i didn't. why do you think it hurts that you have never, once, apologized for the pain you put me through?

something i've learned is that if you suppress and avoid and ignore all the people and vices and temptations that are destroying you and ripping away your true person, one day you'll wake up to never have the chance to know who that person is. in place of it comes a sticky, black heart. maybe an icy, cold heart. a heart like that isn't even a heart anymore--just a skeleton of what it was, and what it could have been. maybe there's a few maggots feeding on the carnage.

there is still a way out. i believe you still can turn away from this. but you have to give it all up. every last bit of it. to the One who will do no wrong, will perform no perversion. the only One who can take ugly so far gone and still make it beautiful. even an ugly khaki suit. i promise it's true. he did it for me.

look at me, really look at me, for once. i'm stuck in the middle of this too. i didn't even have the choice. but i'm content. in fact, i have joy in my life. oh, i really hope you will open your eyes. each tear that falls from my eyes is a plea. and then another. and yet another. please.

fish 1 died. sad day.

r.i.p. midas

life's surprises.

i would say so.

excerpts

"'a lifetime for a night'/'there's danger in frustration'/'but i was already gone'/'i want to look at the horizon'/'we're just like you, only prettier'/'take every chance you dare'/'i'm bustin' out of independence; independence bustin' out of me'/'i see the sunshine in your eyes'/'i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start'/'just a girl born in Dixie'/'you can't fence time'/'nothing last forever...find the beat again'/'would you go with me if we rode the clouds the together'/'there's life at both ends of that red dirt road'/'grab a hold of that little songbird'/'God is good, beer is great, and people are crazy'/'a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair'/'would you catch a couple thousand fireflies'/'cowgirls don't cry, ride, baby ride'"

...of the night, musically.

one more time.

it's funny how when i look at my room, i'm looking at my brain. it is messy and organized. cluttered and cleared. silly and serious. joyous and sobered. it is a pure contradiction. i don't know how to organize it. my being is a haphazard mess. i can look one place and see a collection of the past. or maybe i'll look to the left and see a pile of the present--undisturbed. to the right i see my future thrown one way or another. that one is the messiest, but i don't think it's the worst.

it isn't good that i'll leave right here and right now alone. i should be taking care of this moment. i'm not, though, and that's probably why the future is such a mess. what's to come won't get together if i can't get what's now together. they build on each other. they build on each other.

hello new aspiration

my heart and soul.

kids will be kids | india from JJ Starr on Vimeo.

"I do not want ever to be indifferent to the joys and beauties of this life. For through these, as through pain, we are enabled to see purpose in randomness, pattern in chaos. We do not have to understand in order to believe that behind the mystery and the fascination, there is love."
-Madeline L'Engle

--this man gets it. a note from him: [every child you see in this video is either hiv positive or has aids]

pour me a tall glass.

i have this treasure chest. it is filled to the brim. with dreams. with stars. with laughter. with memories. with moonlight. with love. some days i like to go deep into my closet and unlock it. to have it completely overwhelm my senses. to where all i can do is plunge my hands into it. washing my being and drinking it up until my heart and soul are fully satisfied.

there are times when i take this treasure into my hands and put it on. each ingredient forms and fits exactly as it should. it shows me off completely. it looks best, though, when i dance. outfitted in glory like that always looks best in movement. in dance. so that's what i do. i twirl around all alone in my room. no one can see it, but that's ok. i'm shining in that moment, and i know it. it's all for me and God, alone, to see it.

one of my favorite things to do with this treasure is grab a handful and paint. feel it all within me again, working through my hands. i've never seen anything so beautiful. artwork like that just dazzles--no matter what.

but you know what makes the contents of that treasure chest so special and so wonderful? it's a secret ingredient. not many know it actually creates true beauty. there's something lethal about mascara stained tears. what they can do with some one's life--my life--is something absolutely amazing. i think only God understands how it works. but my treasure wouldn't be anything without those tears. depth lies within that chest. no matter how many times i go back to take a handful, it will never run dry because of the tears. anger. hurt. pain. heartbreak. they all build a person. you just have to know what to mix it with. if my life left out the mascara and tears, i would be two dimensional. that treasure chest would be a trash bin instead. forgetful things to be replaced with more forgetful things. who would really care?

it isn't though. it is three dimensional. with a lot to explore and to save. to treasure. i love that. i love that God gave me that.

happy thanksgiving.

this animal is ridiculous. it freaks me out every time i see this. i love it. it is absolutely amazing.

yes.

my journal is back, guys. everything is good again.

i think i'm getting it.

but really. i'm beginning to get it. God is tangible. He is through the people that love you. why? because they love you because he first loved them. so really. your mom loving you...that's God. your best friend fran loving you...that's God. He is tangible. you just have to recognize the people that have this love.

brilliant.

i lost my journal. it's driving me crazy.

remember that time

when you tucked me in at night

when we played pretty pretty princess

remember that time

when the only tears i cried came from a scraped knee

you would kiss it, and it'd feel better

remember that time

you'd read me stories before bed

you weren't too tired to pray with me

remember that time

you'd tell me everything was alright, and it was

when i could tell you everything

and not be afraid

not be afraid of burdening you.

i miss that time.

i miss it so much.

haunted

i'd like it if you could tell me that i can get rid of it. maybe that's why my hand is before me proffering crumpled confusion to any passer-by. i wish i could leave it be like a forgotten term paper. but as each stranger walks by, it's melting into my hand, melding into me, tattooing my existence. it is as much a part of me as the curl in my eyelashes and the freckle above my lip. unavoidable.

there are days when my body takes a dousing of questions from anyone and anything. they could be as simple as inquiring the sum of 6+5 or as forbearing as asking how i am. those days confusion creeps in, and hangs around my neck, a locket. opened, it is empty. it contains no answers.

that is dissatisfying to you--most of you. as it becomes a part of me, i am learning this is not so. braided with contentedness and curiosity, it becomes natural. maybe a little haphazard. maybe a little complicated at first. but as i learn, the simpler it becomes. no more trying to rip any vestiges off my hand.

honestly, God and i haven't been so close lately. and honestly, i've been a little angry at him, just a little over all the brokenness he's allowed in my life. but today, today he showed me he is looking out. he isn't taking everything away. just a special little blessing. thank you to you who made it possible. thank you.

let's play a game.

ok. three words to describe me right now, GO: jaded, cynical, sarcastic. just a little fyi, i don't like your drunken words slurring off your tongue. i hear them. they make me want to cry. they make my heart want to die. i said i'd shed every bit of you; yet, i still can't. and that's what hurts the most. so i'm done. i'm done. i'm done. i'm done.

take that world. and english teacher. take that. because i don't like you either.

et trois

i decided instead of words of wisdom, i'd show some wonderful music from a lovely music duo, fiction family.

I don't remember much about that night.
But I'm pretty sure it rained the day I died.
I think it rained, I think it rained.
I'm pretty sure it rained the day I died.

You and I were always closest friends.
It's women that make enemies of men.
A pretty face, A pretty face.
A pretty face would one day do me in.

Her eyes were like the winter when she goes,
Holding secrets only winter knows.
And Winter knows, Winter knows.
Winter's seen the wolves in women's clothes.

She came to me in middle afternoon.
We held each other close the whole night through.
And love was blind, Love is blind.
I never saw her let you in the room.

Someone always wins
And then they write a book.
I sing my defense
Fingering a different crook.

A gun shot was the only word you said.
And all of my defenses came out red.
Love was red, Love is red.
She left with you, you left me lying dead.

So I watched her as you put me in the dirt.
She had my wallet tucked inside her skirt.
And I went numb, I went numb.
So I'm not dead if what you did don't hurt.

-betrayal

part dos

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."

-Oscar Wilde <---i love him.

"'Safe?' said Mr. Beaver; 'Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good, he's the King, I tell you.'"

-C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

"If I find myself in desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

-C.S. Lewis <---i like him too

"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart."

-Oswald Chambers

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."

-Henry David Thoreau

"God's love will never change us if we don't accept it."

-Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is."

-Oscar Wilde

"How many cares one loses when one decided not to be something but to be someone."

-Coco Chanel

"Sail away from the safe harbor. Explore. Dream. Discover."

-Mark Twain

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right. And sometimes...good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

-Marilyn Monroe

i have decided i shall impart words of wisdom with words that have been imparted onto me. it'll be like a series or something in three parts.

"Anger is the fluid love bleeds when you cut it."

-C.S. Lewis

"These faulty hearts of ours cannot turn perfect in a night; but need frost and fire, wind and rain, to ripen and make them ready for the great harvest home."

-Louisa May Alcott

"To die would be an awfully big adventure."

-Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

"Music exalts each joy, allays each grief, expels diseases, softens every pain."

-John Armstrong

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."

C.S. Lewis

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in other; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."

-Audrey Hepburn

"We should all do what in the long run, gives us joy, even if it is only picking grapes or sorting the laundry."

-E.B. White

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."

-Theodor Geisel

"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only at night."

-Edgar Allan Poe

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

-Gil Baillie

the end.

she's right. i haven't given up the fact that i do not have a daddy--at least one on earth. i'm still clutching that bottle with a secret message corked inside. the one that clearly depicts the carnage of my heart. the one that i want its ugliness to evade absolutely all. holding on, it's what i do. but you know what? i am done. i don't want to sweep the problems under the rug anymore. i want to face up to things, and grow. no more lying to yourself, to me, to anyone. i want truth, truth that is hard, but oh so freeing. i'm seventeen years old; no more pretending. you are fifty-five. that ended years ago. but something superficial still permeates every millimeter of your words, actions, love. apparently it hasn't ended for you; that's a shame. because of that, you're going to get nowhere fast. and guess what? you've already started that dark journey. i wish i could help you, but i can't. you won't listen. all i can do is help myself.

so here i am still clutching that bottle with a secret message corked inside. but if you look again, i'm kneeling down... the bottle is gone now and my heavenly father has taken his rightful place as abba, father. this is something i've never done before--have a father-daughter relationship--but i think it'll be good. he'll teach me how this works. it'll be real and finally fulfilling. and maybe one day, i'll have something like this on earth, too. with my real father.

contradictions

i get told i'm hostile a lot. and i really don't know what to say to that because i am hostile. not that i'm a depressing person with no joy or optimism in life. i believe i have a lot of that half full take on life, but hostility and sarcasm are how i keep myself from getting hurt.

my heart pumps blood all through my body; i'm living because of its strength. you know that one; it's made of flesh and the size of my fist. but my heart, that is made of porcelain. delicate porcelain that's shattered many times. to stoop back down and glue, tape, staple it back together, i don't

think i can take it again. so what do i do? i build a strong wall--not easily penetrated. the ones that have proved themselves to care are the ones that get in. the only ones.

what can i do but stand there, look cute. nothing's wrong.

goeth foreth?

what sick, sick words, father.

The Lighthouse's Tale

I am a lighthouse

Worn by the weather and the waves.

I keep my lamp lit

To worn the sailors on their way.

I'll tell the story

Paint you a picture from my past.

I was so happy,

But joy in this life seldom lasts.

I had a keeper

Who helped me warn the sailors on their way.

We had grown closer,

'til his joy meant everything to me.

And he was to marry

A girl who shown with beauty and light.

And they loved each other,

And with me watched the sun set into night.

And the waves crashing around me,

The sand slips out to sea.

And the winds that blow remind me

Of what has been, and what can never be.

She had to leave us,

my keeper, he prayed for a safe return.

But when the night came,

the weather to a raging storm had turned.

He watched her ship fight

But in vain against the wild and terrible waves.

In me so helpless,

She dashed against the rock; she met her end.

Then on the next day,

my keeper found her washed up on the shore.

He kissed her cold face,

that they'd be together soon he swore.

I saw him crying,

watched as he buried her in the sand.

And then he climbed my tower,

off the edge of me he ran.

I am a lighthouse

Worn by the weather and the waves.

I keep my lamp lit

To worn the sailors on their way.

(Nickel Creek)

majesty

where do we live? who is this creator? why do we get such beauty? my gosh, i'm utterly speechless.

PEDESTRIAN

the sun just doesn't seem to be shining in my direction. yet it really is ok. i truly mean that. the days really seem to be melting into each other lately. minor details stand up. they are blatantly obvious, but everything else is swirling around together--mixing together as one mess. in all of that, a constant would be nice, right? yeah, it would. you know what amazes me most though? i have one. i have a something that is always standing there when the fog clears. even when the fog hasn't. he's it. he won't get lost in the mixture.

i don't really know what to say. just that it is ok. i feel ok. instead of that supernatural extreme, there's just a ho-hum peace. comfortable. it isn't something truly special, but still special in its normalcy. God's holding me.

obstruction

i am one of those fireflies lighting up the darkness. but i am also the darkness.

where do people gain their right to "valid" self entitlement? ...themselves, and i have a problem with that.

role play.

dressing up and being something you're not. fun. so much fun.

go.

i don't want to hurt you.

do you ever listen?

i don't want to run.

you're not the only one.

i don't want to touch you.

i'm tired of being broken.

oh, look what we've become.

look what we've become.

i don't even care.

i really need you.

cascading

but what is it? is it real or is it fake? is it refreshing or downright dirt? that is your choice. by cliched obligation: choose wisely.

and i feel fine. but i know the same does not apply to you.

inconveniences

-excessive homework

-low gas

-568 chores

-3 minutes in the day

-wearing the same shirt as someone

-broken printers

-only having change inhabit your wallet

-occupied washing machine

-me

the list is short, but something stands out. if nothing does, i think that means there is a problem. a very significant problem in the minds of the human race. my being has be scribbled on a list. it's not at the top, it's at the bottom, but it's there nonetheless--on a list of inconveniences. i had a friend who once wrote: "i'll take each snippet of emotion and dip it in gold, so that i'll hang it around my neck and wish for eyes to see it there." i don't think she realizes that she captured what i've been trying to do my whole life so well. in my experience, it doesn't work. the mindful eyes of the average passerby reaches above and past my head. an accidental flit of the eye, unheard of.

wow. thats it

bye now.

elated

that's kind of how i feel. i like it. after (yet another) realization, i am feeling better. happier. maybe it's because i love someone and her happiness is rubbing off on me. across the pond, i know she's smiling the brightest and most beautiful smiles England has ever seen. and i just love how i can feel it. when i see my friends--sisters really--overtaken with joy, i can't help but feel it too. that way that works is great.
yeah yeah yeah. life is a turd for me. but it's moving along. despite another heartbreak after another coming, they will be going. life does keep moving which means the piles of turd along the road will not always be there. it'll be cleaned up, in time. --the fact that i just used poop as a metaphor is something else. it's quite comical. i think i'm going to stop before it gets worse. ha.

charlotte's web

i sat alone for an hour. i cried over what--right now, i can't seem to face--is my life. i'm afraid. i can't really find anything that seems to be falling together. instead of life feeling as if God has it all in his hands, and i see it, i know it, it feels more as if he's behind a curtain. there is an end, but only God knows (literally) where it ends. everything is enshrouded with grey, with a blur. and then i looked behind me.

inbetween the strands of windblown hair on my face, i saw dozens and dozens of baby spiders. they were cradled in their dark little crevice of life because that was all they had ever known. it was their life. and then i followed the broken and tangled web farther up and i saw two then four then seven more baby spiders. all of them climbing higher and higher to a place they had never been before. some only reached halfway, some the top; however, all came to that point where the breeze would sweep them away from all they had ever known--to a new place. it made me think of charlotte's web. i don't remember too much of that movie, but i do remember charlotte's babies having to fly away from the only home they had ever experienced. i sat there taking picture after picture of a sight that captivated me for some reason. (i'm not exactly the biggest fan of spiders.) and then i had another thought. a slightly ground breaking thought. but only slightly. these little creepy crawlies had no say of where they went. they knew absolutely nothing. they were in the dark. i'm in the dark with where i'm headed. i realize that my mind and my life are maybe the opposite, upside down and inside out, of a spider's. that doesn't mean i can't learn from something like that.

i beheld them with my wet eyes and i just marveled at the grainsized bits crawling up and up. they were so delicate, and still, they would just let go. maybe--like in charlotte's web--they really weren't ready to leave. but they still had to. the wind gave them no choice. the fragile manner i saw them in changed to admiration. i had admiration for a tiny spider because that spider could do what i can't. he could let go. he could face up to growing up. he could go somewhere he'd never known. here i am. a human. the greatest thing God has ever created. (not me specifically. just man in general.) and i am still afraid of what God is doing behind his curtain. it makes sense because most of what has happened hasn't been sunshine and rainbows. it feels more like it has been perpetual heartbreak. but instead of growing stronger and forging though and ahead, i'm letting it get to me. i'm losing my courage, my joy, my confidence. i can't change that alone; i know that now. i don't even think the baby spiders could do it alone. they had dozens surrounding them to push ahead. i may not need dozens, but i need someone to help me. i think i have that. actually, i know i do.

and what amazes me more is how the ordinary is what brings about the greatest realizations. this sight was tiny. the first spider i saw fly away into the sky, i thought was only a tiny piece of pollen or a piece of a broken leaf. a spider was the farthest thing from my mind. and then i saw more and i knew what it was. something ordinary that has happened for years and year and years. not only ordinary but a tiny detail of how the earth goes round that is always overlooked. i recently read a book that said "you can't let your fear stop you. you have to let it move you and move beyond it. sometimes the most natural things, the things that don't seem risky, are the most supernatural; they sneak up on you." and as i read that again, i'm letting fear stop me. i'm not letting it move me so i can be beyond it. that is why i have admiration for tiny spiders. because they did that. and i see what i can't do in something so natural. forever, spiders have, are, and will be doing this same thing when they are born. yet, it still is supernatural. it all is unknown. if i can do this, letting fear move me, i think i will be able to prove that man is God greatest work. he put a lot into us, and by recognizing and trying to rise above my fear--go beyond it--i can live up to showing that i am his greatest work. i can show the intricacy he made by showing that my heart was made to shatter until there is no escape from brokenness--and then be healed--that my skin was formed merely to fall down and tear, blood making himself known--and then be healed. i think knowing that, living that, is what will make me what i want to be.

it has been over a month. remember that time when i said i'll be using pen and paper more then this? and then i never did? i am now.

and all i really have to say is: there is an elephant in the room. and it seems to be there all the time.

delicate little flower

i have been feeling extremely vulnerable lately. you know what that means! that means i will be subconsciously putting up the wall again. yes, the infamous sarcastic wall. i'm trying very hard not to do it, but i still feel it building up--brick by brick. it's a little slower this time in its construction, and that is taking a lot of effort to make it that way. but right now, i'm just exhausted. i'm too tired to try to prevent this. problems and memories and things and thoughts are just flooding my mind. i need a drain to unclog this mess--and not one that uses my eyes and tears as a drain. i'm so sick of crying.
its not fair when you know someone that reminds you of everything you don't want to dwell on. yuck, i sound so melodramatic and cliche. the places i've been escaping to have been places filled with color and skilled dancers. my bollywood movies have been that i forget everything. i like it. but sometimes i think that maybe i shouldn't be escaping into that. instead i should be falling into Jesus. actually, i know i should be do that instead. it might help my feeling so far and detached from him, lately. it just takes so much energy sometimes to keep a relationship going strongly. and i don't know if it's in my mind, but it seems much harder when who you're trying to have a relationship with is not actually physically there. i don't ever want to abandon this relationship. i love Jesus so much. but i'm dealing with so much inner conflict and skeletons that i just can't focus on the relationship. i hate it.
and the whole not wanting to be vulnerable is putting a major blockade in front of progress. i'm a little stuck at the moment.

mmhmm/fivescoreandsevenyearsago/forgetandnotslowdown

my life has started to become a compilation of relient k songs. all the things i'm dealing with internally and externally can be depicted by one song after another. maybe i think that because i have recently listened to all of the compact discs i own of theirs. i don't know

but i do know that i've been thinking about how life would be if it was laid out before us. i'm so confused and unsure and in the dark about so many things. if it were all laid in front of me, i wonder if i would be hurt or happy--probably neither one of those. one thing that has been bothering me lately is that life isn't like tv shows or movies. i just watch it, and subconsciously, i end up thinking life is like that. stupid, stupid, stupid.

moving on is hard to do. watching someone else move on is hard too. its just weird too. (i think i should say too just one more time) maybe i say its weird because i don't want to admit to myself what i actually think it is. i don't know. i just try to deal and live in each day. yet, i'll still look at people and wonder where they went. how they got where they are.

i guess that's what makes me so confused, and lost, and full of wonder.

i never knew that the effword was an acronym

um....i feel confused all the time. right now, i'm just not a fan. i mean, i guess i've started to realize that life is just confusing, but i want something that's black and white. when i read my bible at night, i've been reading romans eight over and over, night after night. its good. i really like it. there's a verse that tells me that its ok to be frustrated with everything around me. it tells me right after that there is hope. except there's a loophole. (God does that sometimes...) its says that hope is something that is not seen..because hope that is seen is no hope at all. how does that work? well who hopes for something they already have? exactly.
so, back to black and white. i've been in this weird funk lately where i'm just ...not here. its been this weird out of body deal. example: i was driving the other day and i thought i saw myself driving in another car. --ok maybe that's not what i mean, but i really don't know how to explain it. lately i've just been observing people, listening to people more, really paying attention. it has just been bizarre.
oh, life. oh, confusion.

dealing with the parts of yourself that are dark, and icky, and gross, and dirty, is no fun. it isn't that enjoyable to think about. but at the same time it feels good to know that you're acknowledging your faults to where you can better them.

i like more than the naan

in art, i'm drawing a picture of a little indian girl. she has got these big, round eyes that are infused with hazels and golds. she has an innocent smile that makes you want to just give her a hug. she has a cute little nose with a nose ring on the left side and a hole on the right for another possible piercing. she has black kohl around her eyes and dots of the kohl on her cheeks and her forehead. she is beautiful in her forest green shawl covered in threaded peach flowers. she just embodies culture. she embodies india's culture.
every time i go to class, i'm excited because i can look at her for an hour trying to perfect the drawing i am creating. and the time i spend drawing, i also spend daydreaming of the day i will go to my beloved country. its just a little bit bad that i'm drawing this because i just want to go now. but its good too because i love it. its building my love and passion even more for these people. i truly think that my heart is the shape of india. i wouldn't be surprised.

tick. tick. tick.

i think that my image or picture or thoughts or perception on certain people are changing. i think its good. i know its good, actually. thats all i have time to say.

oh yeah, i want to go to india.

update

I'm feeling so up and down. I go back and forth so many times, I'm neutral. I'm not really. I'm starting to believe that life is supposed to be like this. I feel like a pile of turd one day; the next day, I'm just fine. I know you can't always be happy and always have a fantastic day. I know that sometimes, satisfaction is enough to make your day despite the icky happening at the moment. I mean, I can honestly say that I am completely content in my life. I do not know what is going to happen in the future AT ALL, but I'm so sure its going to be good.

I'm not sure how often, I'm going to be writing in this now. I'm slowly moving back to pen and paper. We'll see.

help

i think...that i need someone to push me into the things i'm afraid of doing. and the things i am afraid of doing..are just about everything. there is too much where i will be rejected or where i will fail. it is all so scary. but there is so much i want to do where those two things could possibly be inevitable. i know now that i can't make myself do these things--whatever they are--on my own. i'm not that person anymore.
can someone help me?
i don't want to miss out on what could potentially give me so much joy. i don't want to live life never trying anything because of what i fear. i don't have to be that person that i was before, but i can at least become something more than what i am.

comme des enfants

i've been listening to french music lately. i positively love coeur de pirate. even if you don't understand french, it is absolutely beautiful.

its time

sometimes self-realization sucks. actually, i think it sucks most of the time. in other words, i've realized how messed up i am. i mean, i think i'm past something and over it, but then it appears again. specifically, i've recently realized that i have the hardest time with relationships. i'm just terrified almost 24/7 that that person will just leave. i guess that's not that crazy that i have that fear considering that's what my father did...but dealing with it...i'm just sick of it. i have no self-confidence and i'm isolating myself from any good friendship/relationship i could have or do have. and boys, i hardly talk to boys because i think that they all are my dad deep inside--that they will all hurt me, just like my dad. i hate it. i'm a sarcastic meanie. i don't want to be vulnerable so i just put up a wall--a mean and sarcastic wall. that way, no one will ever see my heart which means my heart can't ever be broken. i'm a complete mess.
God, please take me. take my broken heart and piece it back together. take my shattered life and make it whole again. i need you to restore my confidence--especially in you. i need you to add life back into me. i need you, so i don't store all of my hope into an imperfect, fallible human, only to be broken once again. fix me Creator, with your gentle hands, so i can do your purpose. i want to glorify you. i need you more than anything in life, Jesus.
i'm
broken and hurt
destroyed and bitter
isolated and desperate
make me
whole and new
joyful and loved
yours, forever

fancy footwork

people always have a favorite song in the now, right? this is mine. just sing it to your mirror; i guarantee you'll love it too.

puzzles and pieces

Everyone's careful
They're plotting their best escapes
For fear of this whole place burning down
Puzzles and Pieces
We're tangled in cages
They rattle and shake their bones
They grew from the earth
I watched them grow
They came up and grabbed me

So stand in a world that seems to be built
On pillars and numbers
Or dance with the hopes of falling in love
Before we have learned to love ourselves

Measures and objects
They fall in our fuel of words
And we are widdled away by zeros, ones
Somebody save us
And nobody asks this
And where does our heart live on
In dreaming of dangers, dream of God
And maybe we've got it

So stand in a world that seems to be built
On pillars and numbers
Or dance with the hopes of falling in love
Before we have learned
Just to stand in a world that seems to be built
On pillars and numbers
Or dance with the hopes of falling in love
But how can we love
If we can't love ourselves
Can't love ourselves

--Deas Vail

april rain song

Let the rain kiss you

Let the rain beat upon you with silver liquid drops

Let the rain sing you a lullaby

The rain makes still pools on the sidewalk

The rain makes running pools in the gutter

The rain plays a little sleep song on our roof at night

And I love the rain

-Langston Hughes

thrifty

i'm in a super thrift store mood. let's go. i'd rather not spend a bunch of money on clothing.

i've watched project runway every single season. i love watching the designers and see how innovative and talented they are. during season five, one of the designers became my favorite out of all the seasons (and they are on seven now). Leanne Marshall's work is gorgeous. it's so beautifully structured, but has this floaty, whimsical feel to it. and they contrast perfectly. i just felt like talking about her so yeah.
look her up. http://www.thebahamasweekly.com/publish/Islands-of-the-World-Fashion-Week/Leanne_Marshall_harnesses_her_architectural_streak_at_IWFW9029.shtml

is it possible to not want to be around people and want to be around people at the same time. because that is how i feel right now. so in the end, yes it is possible. you know, if you were wanting an answer. anyways, i think it just has to do with who i'm around. i definitely want to be around people, but not certain people. this is such a lame feeling. it's a little bit like i'm trapped. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm going to stop.

how i feel right now

"i didn't know how to be a falafel..."

a sketch between the lines

sometimes people walk around completely blind. everyone does it. either we blatantly cannot see or we completely avoid the things that happened in another's heart. i don't like it when that happens. i don't like that i can hide things so well to make people blind to the pain. but i also don't like it when i'm blind to the hurt inside another's heart. i guess sometimes we have to have a moment where no one knows, but God himself, and cry until we can no longer see. i know i have had those moments. but sometimes we need the hug afterwords and it is absolutely heartbreaking when there is no one there to wrap your arms around. some one is there. look a little harder.

i can watch the sunset on my own

its a day by day process really. i'm slowly curing that disease i seem to have. well, i'm not really doing the curing. as i read my bible and am reminded of 2nd corinthians 12:7-10 and 2nd peter 1:3-10, perspective comes back; the fogginess of mind starts to clear away. i'm getting more into enjoying myself around people than constantly trying to be someone they want to be around. in the end, i do end up being someone people want to be around. how come no one ever told me that? i'm not quite sure, BUT what matters is that i've figured it out.
i've acquired this mini obsession with the movie angus, thongs, and perfect snogging. sounds weird, right? i guess it is a little. there are attractive characters in the movie (seriously, there are). that isn't it though. in the five times (yes, five) that i've watched the movie in the past two weeks, i think i might have learned a little bit about being carefree. as i type that out, it seems to be the truth. the protagonist seems to do all of these wacky things that could possibly "ruin" her life, yet she seems to take it in stride--for the most part. she made sure to have fun with what she was doing in between all of the scheming. she was definitely her own person. i think that resonated with me.
guys, i'm finding my place amidst the trouble and turmoil. this is such a good feeling. i can't say that i've been in this place before. i've felt comforted in trouble, angry, peaceful, spots of happiness, but not this. i don't think i'm at contentedness yet, but i'm getting there.