sometimes self-realization sucks. actually, i think it sucks most of the time. in other words, i've realized how messed up i am. i mean, i think i'm past something and over it, but then it appears again. specifically, i've recently realized that i have the hardest time with relationships. i'm just terrified almost 24/7 that that person will just leave. i guess that's not that crazy that i have that fear considering that's what my father did...but dealing with it...i'm just sick of it. i have no self-confidence and i'm isolating myself from any good friendship/relationship i could have or do have. and boys, i hardly talk to boys because i think that they all are my dad deep inside--that they will all hurt me, just like my dad. i hate it. i'm a sarcastic meanie. i don't want to be vulnerable so i just put up a wall--a mean and sarcastic wall. that way, no one will ever see my heart which means my heart can't ever be broken. i'm a complete mess.
God, please take me. take my broken heart and piece it back together. take my shattered life and make it whole again. i need you to restore my confidence--especially in you. i need you to add life back into me. i need you, so i don't store all of my hope into an imperfect, fallible human, only to be broken once again. fix me Creator, with your gentle hands, so i can do your purpose. i want to glorify you. i need you more than anything in life, Jesus.
i'm
broken and hurt
destroyed and bitter
isolated and desperate
make me
whole and new
joyful and loved
yours, forever
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