its time

sometimes self-realization sucks. actually, i think it sucks most of the time. in other words, i've realized how messed up i am. i mean, i think i'm past something and over it, but then it appears again. specifically, i've recently realized that i have the hardest time with relationships. i'm just terrified almost 24/7 that that person will just leave. i guess that's not that crazy that i have that fear considering that's what my father did...but dealing with it...i'm just sick of it. i have no self-confidence and i'm isolating myself from any good friendship/relationship i could have or do have. and boys, i hardly talk to boys because i think that they all are my dad deep inside--that they will all hurt me, just like my dad. i hate it. i'm a sarcastic meanie. i don't want to be vulnerable so i just put up a wall--a mean and sarcastic wall. that way, no one will ever see my heart which means my heart can't ever be broken. i'm a complete mess.
God, please take me. take my broken heart and piece it back together. take my shattered life and make it whole again. i need you to restore my confidence--especially in you. i need you to add life back into me. i need you, so i don't store all of my hope into an imperfect, fallible human, only to be broken once again. fix me Creator, with your gentle hands, so i can do your purpose. i want to glorify you. i need you more than anything in life, Jesus.
i'm
broken and hurt
destroyed and bitter
isolated and desperate
make me
whole and new
joyful and loved
yours, forever

fancy footwork

people always have a favorite song in the now, right? this is mine. just sing it to your mirror; i guarantee you'll love it too.

puzzles and pieces

Everyone's careful
They're plotting their best escapes
For fear of this whole place burning down
Puzzles and Pieces
We're tangled in cages
They rattle and shake their bones
They grew from the earth
I watched them grow
They came up and grabbed me

So stand in a world that seems to be built
On pillars and numbers
Or dance with the hopes of falling in love
Before we have learned to love ourselves

Measures and objects
They fall in our fuel of words
And we are widdled away by zeros, ones
Somebody save us
And nobody asks this
And where does our heart live on
In dreaming of dangers, dream of God
And maybe we've got it

So stand in a world that seems to be built
On pillars and numbers
Or dance with the hopes of falling in love
Before we have learned
Just to stand in a world that seems to be built
On pillars and numbers
Or dance with the hopes of falling in love
But how can we love
If we can't love ourselves
Can't love ourselves

--Deas Vail

april rain song

Let the rain kiss you

Let the rain beat upon you with silver liquid drops

Let the rain sing you a lullaby

The rain makes still pools on the sidewalk

The rain makes running pools in the gutter

The rain plays a little sleep song on our roof at night

And I love the rain

-Langston Hughes