Spit In My Face

"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly."
1st Peter 2:23


I don't know how he did it.

Just A Ghost Of What I Was

We sit there smiling at each other.
Yours is true, mine is forced.
I'm hiding so much from you.
We live on two sides of the tracks now.
I have one thing to say: I'm sorry.

We sit there smiling at each other.
Your eyes shine, mine are clouded.
There was that time--we always laughed,
And the sun shined brightly on our faces.
We don't see face to face anymore.

We sit there smiling at each other.
You're relaxed; I'm tense.
I can't be me around you anymore.
Walls build up around me. I feel the judgment, again.
I'm not what I was before.

We sit there smiling at each other.
You give me all; I'm not really there.
So excitedly relaying the day,
I'm not listening like I should.
Insignificant. That's what it is to me now.

I wish we could still tell each other everything.
I wish we could still laugh honestly, together.
I wish we weren't so different anymore.
I wish things didn't happen like this.
I wish sorry could make it better.
It can't.

Not As Unconditional as You Hoped It To Be

"The problem with Christian community was that we had ethics, we had rules and laws and principles to judge each other against. There was love in Christian community, but it was conditional love. Sure, we called it unconditional, but it wasn't. There were bad people in the world and good people in the world. We were raised to believe this. If people were bad, we treated them as though they were either evil or charity: If they were bad and rich, they were evil. If they were band and poor, they were charity. Christianity was always right; we were always looking down on everybody else. And I hated this. I hated it with a passion. Everything in my soul told me it was wrong. It felt, to me, as wrong as sin. I wanted to love everybody. I wanted everything to be cool. I realize this sounds like tolerance, and to many in the church the world tolerance is profanity, but that is precisely what I wanted. I wanted tolerance. I wanted everybody to leave everybody else alone, regardless of their religious beliefs, regardless of their political affiliation. I wanted people to like each other. Hatred seemed, to me, the product of ignorance. I was tired of biblical ethic being used as a tool with which to judge people rather than heal them. I was tired of Christian leaders using biblical principles to protect their power, to draw a line in the sand separating the good army from the bad one...
"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money...The church used love like money. With love, we withheld affirmation from the people who did not agree with us, but we lavishly financed the ones who did."

--Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller

sixty eight

And one day the world’s gonna be alright,
And there will be no pain
Shut the ICU down tonight'
Cause everyone is safe
And I will overlook this operation by your side'
Cause we’re too young, we’re still kids
We’re too young, we’re still kids
I see your hearts get bigger when you lose your friends
And everyone’s around you saying that it’s not the end,
It's not the end
But you cried so hard,
And I watched you grow so strong
And I made you laugh in my arms
And your tear-stained shirt, you felt the snowflakes on your back
And you stood so proud
You had me wishing, wanting, begging for some words from you
And you smiled to the crowd,
It’s enough for now
’Cause we’re too young, we’re still kids
We’re too young, we’re still kids
Take a break from the mask,
You’ve done enough today I saw you smiling like it’s all ok,
And it will be soon
This is a song for the boys and the girls I never met
And all my friends that I have had and I have kept
So get me down, down for the count
’Cause we are all the same, we’re all the same...

-The Ready Set

I'm in a good mood. I just thought the whole world should know.
Great googali-moogali! It feels wonderful.
I feel like dancing and jumping.
I think I just might.

Dirty Cleansing

Stepped on a rose plant today. It hurt, pierced my skin. I bled for all the children I truly care about. It felt good...almost good. I talked to him for the first time today. It hurt, more than I thought it would. I bled all of hurt and pain I'd been feeling since he left. It felt good...wholly good.

Passing Over Me

I love having Jewish roots in me. It adds something to me. I'm more than just a "christian white girl" from America. I've experienced a few things that other averages haven't experienced. But now that I understand with much more clarity, the symbolism of it all, we just kind of stop.

Ok, we didn't just stop abruptly. It was more of an off and on-barely there-thing, but I don't care about that. I want to start it again. I want to celebrate Passover and have a seder meal; I want to let Hanukkah mean something to me. History is infused within these two holidays. It's amazing!

Yeah, Christmas has a meaning to me, and so does Easter, but the commercialization of it all ruins it. I don't know, I guess I just want more meaning. And to not leave the Jewish part of me untouched. Seems kind of silly to me.

Pretenseless

I am fallible. I am fallible. I am fallible.
Sometimes, you just can't be so magnanimous. Thank God, for that. Then I'd rely solely on myself. So many other people would rely solely because I could do it and they couldn't do it. What a nightmare. I don't want people to depend on me all the time.
Today, I screamed. I yelled. I cried and let my makeup run. Sure, it was in solitude, but it feels so good to get it out sometimes. And now, I sit in the comfort of being human.

When the Brittle Brown Disappears

When I see a majestic flower smile in the sun again, that's when I turn my cheek towards the same source to be dressed in the glittering splendor of his rays.

Did You Forget the Foundation?

This is how I define Christianity: Live the life Jesus lived. Love the unloved, care for the forgotten.

Christianity, religion, everything: It's all so screwed up. Going back to the Jesus's life, he didn't focus on organized religion. He stood up for the truth, loved, and not much else.Yet, with those few actions, his life was so beautiful and magnificent. The rituals, rules, judgement, all ruin what being a Christian is all about.

The rules are there because we're human and need them, but the actual concept has nothing to do with the rules. It's becoming a follower of Christ. And truly, if we're not following Christ, then why claim to be a Christian? Personally, I don't see any point.