thrifty

i'm in a super thrift store mood. let's go. i'd rather not spend a bunch of money on clothing.

i've watched project runway every single season. i love watching the designers and see how innovative and talented they are. during season five, one of the designers became my favorite out of all the seasons (and they are on seven now). Leanne Marshall's work is gorgeous. it's so beautifully structured, but has this floaty, whimsical feel to it. and they contrast perfectly. i just felt like talking about her so yeah.
look her up. http://www.thebahamasweekly.com/publish/Islands-of-the-World-Fashion-Week/Leanne_Marshall_harnesses_her_architectural_streak_at_IWFW9029.shtml

is it possible to not want to be around people and want to be around people at the same time. because that is how i feel right now. so in the end, yes it is possible. you know, if you were wanting an answer. anyways, i think it just has to do with who i'm around. i definitely want to be around people, but not certain people. this is such a lame feeling. it's a little bit like i'm trapped. i don't know what i'm saying. i'm going to stop.

how i feel right now

"i didn't know how to be a falafel..."

a sketch between the lines

sometimes people walk around completely blind. everyone does it. either we blatantly cannot see or we completely avoid the things that happened in another's heart. i don't like it when that happens. i don't like that i can hide things so well to make people blind to the pain. but i also don't like it when i'm blind to the hurt inside another's heart. i guess sometimes we have to have a moment where no one knows, but God himself, and cry until we can no longer see. i know i have had those moments. but sometimes we need the hug afterwords and it is absolutely heartbreaking when there is no one there to wrap your arms around. some one is there. look a little harder.

i can watch the sunset on my own

its a day by day process really. i'm slowly curing that disease i seem to have. well, i'm not really doing the curing. as i read my bible and am reminded of 2nd corinthians 12:7-10 and 2nd peter 1:3-10, perspective comes back; the fogginess of mind starts to clear away. i'm getting more into enjoying myself around people than constantly trying to be someone they want to be around. in the end, i do end up being someone people want to be around. how come no one ever told me that? i'm not quite sure, BUT what matters is that i've figured it out.
i've acquired this mini obsession with the movie angus, thongs, and perfect snogging. sounds weird, right? i guess it is a little. there are attractive characters in the movie (seriously, there are). that isn't it though. in the five times (yes, five) that i've watched the movie in the past two weeks, i think i might have learned a little bit about being carefree. as i type that out, it seems to be the truth. the protagonist seems to do all of these wacky things that could possibly "ruin" her life, yet she seems to take it in stride--for the most part. she made sure to have fun with what she was doing in between all of the scheming. she was definitely her own person. i think that resonated with me.
guys, i'm finding my place amidst the trouble and turmoil. this is such a good feeling. i can't say that i've been in this place before. i've felt comforted in trouble, angry, peaceful, spots of happiness, but not this. i don't think i'm at contentedness yet, but i'm getting there.

i'm ready.

forward.

i took a monumental step today. it feels good.
i have always said i didn't care what people thought of me. i haven't cared too much, but i still have that concern deep inside of me. i've wanted to keep this maybe aloof--but not completely aloof--and perfect sort of image. well today i had an english oral. they always make me extremely nervous. i felt that way before it, but once i got up there...the nervousness started to disappear. even when my voice cracked, i felt fine. it sort of helped me feel even more confident. that was weird.
it kind of destroyed that sort of image i always put up. it created a new one in a way. a real one. and i didn't care what people thought of me today. i rambled on my answer. i talked about things no one probably cares about, but i didn't care at all what any thought of me.
i'm getting there. step by step.

chronicles

slowly creeping up is the day that i turn seventeen. i hate being sixteen. it just feels like an icky age. it's like that age where you're supposed to demand for everything you want because you're at such a "special" age. i don't know if i'm the only one who perceives it that way, but that is the deal. i'm totally over it. time to not be this age anymore. i've gotten to the point where i've been telling people i'm seventeen. i'm not for the record. not yet.
each day and each week and each year is another step closer to the freedom i'm craving so much. i really cannot wait. i'll finally be getting my license which means a lot will be opened up to me. you know what else? i'm going to india next year. i will go. i'm getting a job, and will save up my money for it. i can't believe i actually have the opportunity to go. the excitement for that fills every cell inside of my body. my mom gave me a calendar the other day that has pictures of indian people and i fell in love with the people and country all over again. looking at the picture of october, the child's eyes brought tears to my own. i can hardly wait til i am able to be next to or holding a child whose eyes are so beautiful also. on top of that, those eyes will have a name. that is what i want--a name to the beautiful beaming face before me.
i've been drawing a lot more than i normally have. it has been a little weird. i feel so far away from the world when i draw. a lot more than before. but then i have moments where i need to wait days before i can go back. it is just so weird... and now that break is over, i can hardly draw if i want to. i don't like where the time is now being given to. i feel out of my body when i'm in school. i'm there doing the work, talking to the people, but i'm not there devoting my entire mind to the day. i guess it is ok. i'm almost at the end. there really isn't that much left.
i spent my christmas break at home. not many people were home either so i was sitting at home a lot, not doing too much. i realized more than ever how much my best friend means to me. seeing her today at school for the first time in awhile felt so good. it just felt right again. since she was in guatemala i couldn't even talk to her, but i love the joy that guatemala has given her. i'm praying that she never forgets anything.
but yeah, like i said a few sentences ago, it just felt right that she was back. everything hasn't been feeling right. it has all been so different. a lot of things just keeping happening that i don't understand or can't do anything about. the past two weeks haven't really felt right. so this feeling is good. i like it.

building blocks

what has been given to each person to handle--terrible circumstances or impossible problems--is precious. everything truly shapes the very person you will become. i don't know how many times i will have to keep reminding myself until i live in constant knowledge of that. it could be my entire life, but whether it is or not, i know in that constant reminder that i'm not going to let anything destroy me. i can't let it. if i did, i don't believe i would ever be able to do God's work.
he has something special for me; it's something i just know. i'm not sure i could actually explain it, but i know. even though i feel stuck in a place that seems to have lost any compassion or humanity, though i'm still dealing with losing my dad and him wanting to start a new life with someone else, though i've come to know my mom has cancer, i've learned that because of all this, my life is actually important. i have a lot to take to the world.

all we can do is keep breathing.