delicate little flower

i have been feeling extremely vulnerable lately. you know what that means! that means i will be subconsciously putting up the wall again. yes, the infamous sarcastic wall. i'm trying very hard not to do it, but i still feel it building up--brick by brick. it's a little slower this time in its construction, and that is taking a lot of effort to make it that way. but right now, i'm just exhausted. i'm too tired to try to prevent this. problems and memories and things and thoughts are just flooding my mind. i need a drain to unclog this mess--and not one that uses my eyes and tears as a drain. i'm so sick of crying.
its not fair when you know someone that reminds you of everything you don't want to dwell on. yuck, i sound so melodramatic and cliche. the places i've been escaping to have been places filled with color and skilled dancers. my bollywood movies have been that i forget everything. i like it. but sometimes i think that maybe i shouldn't be escaping into that. instead i should be falling into Jesus. actually, i know i should be do that instead. it might help my feeling so far and detached from him, lately. it just takes so much energy sometimes to keep a relationship going strongly. and i don't know if it's in my mind, but it seems much harder when who you're trying to have a relationship with is not actually physically there. i don't ever want to abandon this relationship. i love Jesus so much. but i'm dealing with so much inner conflict and skeletons that i just can't focus on the relationship. i hate it.
and the whole not wanting to be vulnerable is putting a major blockade in front of progress. i'm a little stuck at the moment.

mmhmm/fivescoreandsevenyearsago/forgetandnotslowdown

my life has started to become a compilation of relient k songs. all the things i'm dealing with internally and externally can be depicted by one song after another. maybe i think that because i have recently listened to all of the compact discs i own of theirs. i don't know

but i do know that i've been thinking about how life would be if it was laid out before us. i'm so confused and unsure and in the dark about so many things. if it were all laid in front of me, i wonder if i would be hurt or happy--probably neither one of those. one thing that has been bothering me lately is that life isn't like tv shows or movies. i just watch it, and subconsciously, i end up thinking life is like that. stupid, stupid, stupid.

moving on is hard to do. watching someone else move on is hard too. its just weird too. (i think i should say too just one more time) maybe i say its weird because i don't want to admit to myself what i actually think it is. i don't know. i just try to deal and live in each day. yet, i'll still look at people and wonder where they went. how they got where they are.

i guess that's what makes me so confused, and lost, and full of wonder.