disease

i know that there is this sort of distortion that women or girls see concerning their looks. like when they look in the mirror, they see something completely different than what is actually there. while that isn't something i have, i can't help but feel that i might have a different version of it.

is it possible to have a distortion of your character and personality and worth? in this world, it must be. i guess that can really be called a low self-esteem, but it is more than that. i see myself as mean and detached when my friends think i'm kind and friendly (though the detached part is true). i have problems seeing myself worth anyone's time. i have this thought that if anyone thinks me worth it, they'll talk to me...otherwise i'm not worth it. i get so easily frustrated with myself, always putting me down. i get so sick of myself that i can't believe anyone wants to be with me. i'm always needing attention; when i don't receive it, i feel sad inside. it is as if no one wants me, and i truly believe it. i see myself as selfish, always thinking of only me. considering how many times i say 'i' or 'me' or 'myself', it must be true too. i ask the sky, why all the confusion. why this terrible mind disease.

from what i'm told and what i read in my precious bible, i'm wrong. i should be content with who i am because this is how God has created me. and God doesn't make mistakes. i don't know what is wrong. i read my bible, really read it. I think i believe what it says, but then i mentally destroy myself. i just don't understand. i pray and talk to God. he is so real to me. why isn't he satisfying me? it just doesn't make sense. and when i'm told to rely on him, trust him, believe him, i don't know what to say. i am doing that. there is not doubt that he exists, i know that. but resting in him isn't helping at all. i must be tricking myself, but the worst is that i can't even tell.